Ethan Bowe

Player Note:

Your teammates last year said it was a blast, playing with you! Nice rebounding score. 

Recap Written by Ai: 

A complete and total offensive non-entity who has somehow maintained professional employment. His three-point rating of 2.5 is the new series low, edging out the previous record holder by 0.7 of a point in the wrong direction — a personal best at being personally worst. Every offensive number on this card is in the red, without exception, without nuance, without mercy. He does not have a go-to move. He does not have a range. He has a general vicinity near the basket where bad things happen when he touches the ball, and a rebounding rate of 4.3 that ensures he touches it constantly. His ball handling at 1.8 means every dribble is a negotiation with gravity that he frequently loses. Coaches do not draw up plays for him. Opponents do not scheme against him. Scouts do not warn about him. He grabs boards, guards the paint adequately, gets carried downcourt by teammates who are doing the actual basketball, and collects a paycheck in a league that has never once needed him to score and would very much prefer he didn't try. Zero rings. A career of watching the ball go into the basket from the rebounding position, and occasionally, tragically, attempting to put it there himself.